A New Generation Redefines Commitment
Posted by anastasia on 07-29-2008
I get asked a lot about how teen dating is changing — it's usually in the context of adult fear around teens "hooking up" casually with other teens they meet online. In the research I did for Totally Wired, I found that while yes, hooking up online does happen, it's a minority of teens who are doing this. Technology is not what's driving changes in teen sexual mores — the changes are much more complex and have to do with women entering the workforce and pursuing careers, i.e. changing gender roles, marriage and children becoming more of a choice than a necessity and something we're doing much later, if at all. The notion of marrying your high school sweetheart or steady barely exists….At the same time, teens are still awakening sexually, experimenting (with friends or a boyfriend or girlfriend) and realizing that for some of them, remaining abstinent until marriage just isn't a realistic option.
Consider these two stories. The first is from Youth Radio and was broadcast on NPR (thanks Andrea!). It is part of their "What is the new what" series and claims that sex without a condom is the new engagement ring. Before you panic, listen to the story. The "trend" being described involved making a decision to be monogamous, getting tested for STDs and using a form of birth control other than condoms. It's not about throwing caution to the wind. The decision to trust a partner to remain faithful doesn't appear to be taken lightly. I'm not sure I buy that the whole, "this is cheaper than an engagement ring" argument (i.e. I don't think teens who are doing this are necessarily getting married later), but I think it confronts the reality that there are teens (who as the narrator says, grew up being barraged by safer sex messages) who want to be in a committed sexual relationship sans latex.
The other story ran in USA Today and is about the increasing numbers of couples co-habitating before marriage — census data out today show 9.6% of all opposite-sex couples living together in 2007 were unmarried. It's becoming much more normal and acceptable to live with someone before getting married — and new research supports that this may actually reduce the odds of these couples getting divorced. Definitely read the whole piece.
The times they are a changing….How do you think teens' perception of dating, marriage and family is evolving?
July 29th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
I would also say that cohabitation is increasing because it's getting harder and harder to move out of their parents house. It's seems like a much better idea to live with a girl friend then at your parent's house.
July 29th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Folks seeking major generational differences in teen dating aren't going to find much (unless you count the fact that you can break up with your bf via text message now). Even though teens are less likely to marry their high school sweethearts than in generations past, the teen girls who write in to my advice column are still totally obsessed with finding their "soulmates" while they're still in high school. Whether or not they find them is another matter…but the desire for long-term relationships is still there. I see way less interest in keeping things casual or friends with benefits (at least on the part of teen girls) than experts suggest is going on.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
I agree with Stefan (with whom I formerly premaritally cohabited, but now we've been married for a year.) Even though changing perceptions of morality has made cohabitation more acceptible, I think the numbers increase has a lot more to do with finances than anything else. When we got our first jobs out of college, we were lucky to afford to share a one bedroom apartment. Almost all of my friends who were in long-term relationships moved in with their significant others; almost all of my single friends moved home with their parents. Four years later, most of those couples have gone the traditional route and gotten married. I can only think of one that has since broken up.
As for the teens' lack of condom use, I have to say it shows a lot of maturity that they are being responsible, getting tested, using alternate birth control methods and choosing to have sex only with partners they trust. I hope it doesn't get them into trouble, but I have to think that teens who are committed enough to take these precautions are probably unlikely to cheat.